Oscar Fug Carpet: Cameron Diaz

But otherwise, this is kind of an uninspiring sequel to her strangely bridal post-breakup dress at the Golden Globes. Well, that's not entirely true -- it has inspired me to plug in my iron. More than just the strange sailor neckline, I hate that she looks like she's sewn herself into an enormous linen napkin. Thank God they don't serve a meal at the Oscars, or else we could have been in for an incredibly awkward confrontation when an absent-minded Jessica Biel wiped her mouth on Cameron's collar, and Cameron responded by ramming a champagne bottle in her ear and screaming, "Try to work THAT off by running stairs, bitch!" And then, we're all catfights in lily ponds -- totally our cup of tea, actually, and our money's on Cam (definitely a hair-puller, she looks like she might also be a biter) but when all's said and done, Cam will need a hell of a lot of Oxy Clean to get out the stains. Perhaps she should've let them sponsor her by selling some ad space on her train.

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Cameron Diaz

That's right: this is what I would have looked like if we'd gotten married. You're not hallucinating: I AM dressed as your lunatic bride. Later tonight, when you're walking out to your car, you might see me sneaking down the street behind you, holding something sharp. I'm not saying that you will. I'm just saying you MIGHT.  Yes, I lost my other strap climbing up that vine outside your window this morning. I wanted to see what you were wearing. I like it. You could have worn that to our wedding. I know I always said I didn't want to get married. Maybe I was just saying that so I seemed like that totally cool girl who didn't care about getting married, because not caring about getting married went better with my reputation as That Girl Who Farts In Front of You and Watches Sports and Dances in Boys Underwear, but maybe I was lying, Justin. Did you ever think of that? Do you ever think about anything? DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF?

Anyway, yes. This is what I would have worn to our wedding. The happiest day of your life, that isn't going to happen anymore. How do you feel, knowing that now you're not going to have the happiest day of your life? Does it feel GOOD? DOES IT? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

So. Have a nice night at the Globes. I'm going to. I might just grab a PA and drive to Vegas and make an honest woman of myself. YOU DON'T KNOW."

People's Choice Awards Show Fug: Cameron Diaz

As she walked away with her trophy for Best Leading Lady, Cameron Diaz caught sight of her reflection in the TelePrompTer and froze in horror. She couldn't tell which was worse: the fact that her dress looked like a funereal homage to Madonna's "Like A Virgin" video, or the fact that it closely resembled an upended, overly ornate Pier 1 Imports martini glass. Suddenly it all made sense -- her personal assistant taking one look at it and sighing that she might as well shove some olives on a toothpick and tape them to the skirt; Andy Dick trying to stick a bendy straw all up in her business; Britney Spears sending her that barely legible text that read, "2 BAD 4U SUCKA, JT NO DRINX DIRTY MARTEENYS, BS RULZ 4EVAAAA."

She knew then it was going to be a long, long night. And that she was going to have to change her mobile number.

Well Played: Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz has heard it from us in the past. But she has been hitting it out of the park this week,  with the exception of her tragical braided romper. Maybe she's just got better taste as a blonde? Or maybe the Justin Timberlake break-up fueled rage has finally faded and she's seeing clearly now, and what she sees is that there is no better way to stick it to your ex than showing up somewhere you know he's going to be, totally rocking your hot legs, looking generally like since he's been gone, you can breathe for the first time.

I just love this. I love the color, I love the pockets, I love how slim it is through the shoulders while still being very flattering in the bustral arena. I love her shiny, slightly slutty shoes (and I mean that in the best way possible -- moderately trashy yet expensive shoes are the best way to keep something this sweet from being too terribly saccharine). It's perfect for a daytime premiere, because she doesn't look like she's trying too hard but she's also avoided looking like she doesn't give a shit. Basically, I am longing for someone to knock this frock off so I can buy it in red and black and grey and blue and white. Like, immediately.

Fugeron Diaz

Cameron Diaz spent most of her I'm Over You, Justin Timberlake, And Everyone Please Also See My New Movie Shrek  World Tour looking pretty great. And while I get that it was really hot at Live Earth here, and that a concert is naturally a casual event, there's something about this outfit that is less I'm Over You and I Look Awesome and a lot Bitchy 8th Grader Addressing Her Fellow Cheer Camp Attendees:

Listen, you guys, the next person who drops the Spirit Stick gets KP for a week, I seriously mean it. And to the person who put those garter snakes in my bunk, I am totally going to find out who you are and you are going to be seriously so, so sorry.  I mean it. You're dead. Okay, guys! That's it! Have an awesome day!"

Oscars Fug Carpet: Cameron Diaz

Last year it felt like a linen napkin; this year, it's a bedsheet, and -- it must be said -- possibly a very low thread-count bedsheet she bought from Target because her old linens smelled like Justin and so she had to burn them.

It doesn't get much better from the back:

Last year I wrote that Cameron Diaz's white Oscar gown "inspired me to plug in my iron." Which I remember not because I am so amused at myself, but rather because her gown this year felt like an equally dusty "before" shot from an ad extolling the glories of spray starch.

Well Played, Cameron Diaz

ASHTON: Hey, Cameron! Nice to see you here! You look fantastic.

CAMERON: Hi, Ashton! You... are also here!

ASHTON: Oh, you're so funny. But seriously, I know you've had a really tough time lately with your father passing away and everything, so I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful and we're all here for you.

CAMERON: That's so nice, thanks, Ashton. I... like your tie.

ASHTON: ... That's it?

CAMERON: You also have good teeth, I think.

ASHTON: Come on, man!

CAMERON: What? I'm just telling it like it is. 

ASHTON: Okay, I'll let it slide this time, because I meant what I said. We love you and we're all happy to see you back and feeling better and looking fantastic.

CAMERON: Aw, thanks. And I don't TOTALLY hate what you're wearing. I just wish you didn't look like you forgot to shower after hiking Runyon Canyon.

ASHTON: ...Yeah, fair enough. Let's go watch the movie and then send Justin some cameraphone pictures of your legs.

CAMERON: Ooooh, and can we do one of me dancing in my underwear and shaking my butt at the camera?

ASHTON: Duh! That's, like, your signature move!

CAMERON: AWESOME!

Fug or Fab the Cover: Cameron Diaz

Here's the thing about this cover: it's fine. Cammy D looks approachable and crisp. And maybe a little older than she actually is. But it's not HIDEOUS. She has all her body parts attached, she's not wearing a beach ball as a hat, she doesn't look as though she's had someone else's eyes photoshopped onto her face. And yet. One would hope, I imagine, that one would look AMAZING on the cover of Vogue, especially considering the fact that she looks fantastic in the photoshoot on the inside (and was actually, I thought, quite charming in the interview). The choices magazines make about their cover shots are often kind of beyond me -- obviously -- and I know there are a lot of factors to consider, but wouldn't you want the BEST picture to be the one on the cover? I know smiley photos sell better, as well as approachable ones, but I suspect that one of the reasons Cameron Diaz is successful in general is that she is almost ALWAYS smiling and approachable-seeming (excluding that time she was dating Justin Timberlake and they were both unbearable crabapples) so I'm pretty sure we're not in a situation where this was like the ONLY Smiley Approachable picture. I don't know. This just isn't filling me with the unbearable desire to plonk down $4 for the magazine.  And while I've got you here: I'm thrilled Vogue is including "the fashion steal of the month" -- it's smart, considering Our Terrible Hideous Crumbling Economy RUN RUN TO THE HILLS -- but someone needs to give A Dubs the tip that a $300 bikini is NOT A GREAT DEAL. IT'S A BIKINI. TARGET HAS THEM FOR $30. SWEET FANCY SNICKERS, LADY, A $300 BIKINI IS STILL INSANE WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING I LOVE YOU DON'T HURT ME.

Fug Or Fab: Cameron Diaz; Whatever, TomKat

TOM: Um, Katie?

KATIE: Hmm? Oh, are you still here?

TOM: I was just wondering why you couldn't dress up a little for our friend Cameron's Walk of Fame thing.

KATIE: Can you see me from all the way down there? How sweet.

TOM: Honey, I know your jeans are supposed to look like that, but it looks like you haven't washed them in a month.

KATIE: Exactly. I paid a tremendous amount of money for blotchy jeans that look filthy. Get with the times, man.

TOM: And I don't understand what's going on with your  t-shirt. Were you planning to tie it up into a pouch at your waist and smuggle out some snacks?

KATIE: Scientologist, heal thyself -- is that a tag on your crotch, or just a really bright zipper?

TOM: Also, it's hot out and you're going to get yellow sweat stains all over that cardigan.

KATIE: I don't sweat. I glisten.

TOM: I just think you should've tried a little harder for our friend Cameron. Especially because SHE seems to have put in some effort:

Fug Box

But Cammy, there's no shame in going up a size. Nobody will know but you. Trust me, it's worth it: You'll look better, you can inhale sweet oxygen, and you might even have room for some free appetizers and a cocktail. Hell, throw in that badass necklace, and for some of us, that constitutes a perfect night.

P.S. I think... no on the shoes. They're too heavy with the outfit. Hooves are for horses, not humans.

Golden Globes Well Played Carpet: Cameron Diaz

So, apparently Cameron Diaz presented something at the Golden Globes. I completely missed it, although I watched the entire ceremony -- I must have been staring emptily at my laptop screen, desperately willing my fingers to type faster. It happens. So anyway, given the number of celebrities who skipped the red carpet because of the weather (ahem, Reese Witherspoon), I seriously thought for a second that Cameron here came out and walked it just for fun.

That would've been very cool of her, and super unusual given how most celebrities moan and wail about what a TRIAL it is to have to attend these things. But now that I know she did take part in the ceremony, I am no longer surprised to see her and can instead focus on what she wore. Which I think I like. The makeup... feh. But the body-skimming crimson is striking (even in satin; see, I'm NOT an absolutist!) and she looks extremely jolly and comfortable. 

It's even better considering that last year I wrote of her, "There are a few constants with awards shows: The band will try to play off the person who probably most deserves a moment in the sun (this year, Mickey Rourke), Ricky Gervais will go off-script any time he's given stage time until they break down and let him host one of the telecasts, and Cameron Diaz will show up looking like she forgot she has a head." Aside from my eerie prescience with Ricky Gervais, it's nice to see that Cameron did at least REMEMBER this year that she should put on a little makeup (even if I don't know how I feel about it) and slicked her hair back into a presentable and rain-friendly bun. A big step up here, I think, enhanced by the fact that she made it all the way there without wrinkling the hell out of that skirt. That's a feat for the ages.

 

Oscars Well-Played Carpet: Cameron Diaz

Usually, we're crabbing about Cameron Diaz showing up at formal events looking like she hasn't washed her hair in six weeks and/or is in the midst of embracing a new-age philosophy called WRINKLEQUE, in which nothing she wears can be touched by the cruel, hot fingers of an iron or steamer. But last night? Hot damn! Turns out all Cammy needed was a splash of Oscar de la Renta and a hairstylist who has her best interests at heart. Honestly, that's probably true for all of us. But it's still nice to get a little visual aid to remind everyone.

Oscars Post-Party Well-Played Carpet: Cameron Diaz

This looks fantastic on her. Somewhere, Gwyneth Paltrow is sitting up in her tastefully appointed garret, pecking away at a new GOOP all about how we should make our own vegetables out of recycled paper bags and rare elf-salt from the Arctic Circle, and thinking, "Why the hell was I not wearing that at a fancy Oscar party?!?" And then taking it out on her famous friends by forcing them to write articles for her newsletter about their favorite brands of socks.

MTV Movie Awards Fug Or Fab: Cameron Diaz

CAMERON: Hi, Tom! So nice to see you.

TOM: You too, Cam.

CAMERON: I'm so excited about our Knight and Day. The title is awful, but we both seem kind of charming in it 

TOM: Yep.

CAMERON: I mean, I kind of like it when you play the charming, cocky asshat. I think I might be back in on you, Tom Cruise.

TOM: Great.

CAMERON: Hang on, what's up with the subdued attitude? You mustered up couch-jumping mania for KATIE freaking HOLMES, dude, and now you're standing next to a woman who used to serve her legs to Justin Timberlake as an hors d'oeuvre, and you can't even get a LITTLE spazzy? 

TOM: Sorry. It's just that, while you look very nice, I am all torn up inside over whether you'd look better if the skirt were just two or three inches longer.

CAMERON: THAT is what you're thinking?

TOM: I'm a man of many depths, Cameron.

CAMERON: Oh. Okay.

TOM: HA! Gotcha. I was really thinking how much more suave my hair is lately, and wondering if it's because I'm doing an awesome job rehabilitating my thetans.

CAMERON: In that case, I'd prefer to talk about my skirt.

Knight and Fug

or hot mess who stayed out all night with a mysterious hombre (or perhaps Joey Tribbiani, revisiting his days trying to sell the cologne Hombre) doing the Forbidden Dance in a pool of piranhas that rent her garment with their hungry teeth, leaving her with no choice but to pin together her outfit with a seatbelt from her lover's Smart Car. Given the choice, I'd pick Door No. 1, but maybe I just lack vision.

Knight and Fug

TOM CRUISE: Cameron! What's up!?

CAMERON DIAZ: Hi, Tom. You're seeming extra tall today.

TOM: That's because I've realized something. People like me again, kind of.

CAMERON: It's true. It helps that our movie actually looks kind of good. Really, you're so much more enjoyable when you're playing a charming egomaniac. It really is your niche. Kind of like how James van der Beek is way more attractive when he plays a raging-but-humorous jackass than he ever was as Dawson. Did you see that episode of Mercy where --

TOM: Are we going to talk about that show AGAIN, Cameron?

CAMERON: I was bummed it got canceled, okay? But, yeah, you look nice.

TOM: You look great from the waist up. And the thighs down.

CAMERON: So you're saying, you don't like my shorts?

TOM: I'm saying that if you must wear baggy, rolled-up shorts that look a little bit like diapers, then at least you've got legs for them.

CAMERON: Thanks?

TOM: Sure!

Pretty Well Played, Cammy and Tom

CAMERON DIAZ: Hey, Tom?

TOM CRUISE: Yes, Cam?

CAMERON: We're awesome.

TOM: Why in particular, Cam?

CAMERON: Because that Heigl chick stopped going to any premieres for Killers after it died in the U.S. And yet here we are, still aggressively pimping our forgotten rom-com Knight and Day.

TOM: That's right!

CAMERON: And looking dapper doing it!

TOM: That's RIGHT!

CAMERON: We are freaking American HEROES, dude.

TOM: YEAH! Even with that weird flappy thing on your dress!

CAMERON: Yeah!

TOM: And how it's kind of crinkly!

CAMERON: ... Yeah?

TOM: And even...

CAMERON: You're going to keep going, Baron von Undershirt?

TOM:... You're right. Listen, all things considered, we look fantastic.

CAMERON: Thank you. 

TOM: We're working hard for a movie people don't care about, and we should be honored for it!

CAMERON: That's my point!

TOM: We should be knighted on this day.

CAMERON: ... Too far, Tom. Too far.

Night Fug Day

I think Cameron Diaz's expression here says it all:

It's like, "yeah, yeah. I know. This thing is ridiculously short. It's essentially an oversized shirt. Could we claim I'm wearing it as a salute to my co-star Tom Cruise's seminal pantless role in Risky Business? Yes. Yes, let's do that. And then tomorrow, he'll slick his man-bangs up in a salute to my part in There's Something About Mary, because turn-about is fair play. And then the next day, I'll wear a fighter pilot's jumpsuit and respond to all press queries by saying, 'talk to me, Goose'! And then he can show up wearing my race car driver's outfit from Charlie's Angels! And then I'll counter that by wearing HIS race car driver's outfit from Days of Thunder! And then he can show up wearing my frizzy wig and mom jeans from Being John Malkovich, and then I will best him once and for all by preparing a series of cocktails while reciting bad drink-themed poems, dressing like Lestat, and, finally, marrying Nicole Kidman. Yes. THIS is how you make the press junket for an unsuccessful movie fun. GAME ON, CRUISE."