VMAs Fug Carpet: Dane Cook

But THIS dude? This dude totally looks like the douchey neighbor who lets his dog shit in your hallway. You would suspect that wasn't necessarily the look he was going for, but one never knows.

There is a story that's been circulating about Dane Cook for a while, namely that he got asked to leave the apartment building in which he was living in Los Angeles -- a truly spectacular building, one that is so pretty that you almost crash into the trees around it because you're craning your neck to look at it -- because he refused to take his dog out. Like, ever. He'd just -- ALLEGEDLY -- open his apartment door and let the dog answer the call of nature in the hallway. You can imagine how much his neighbors appreciated this. I never really paid this story much credence.

VMAs Fug Carpet: Ke$ha

If it sucks so much wearing butt rosettes, fur collars, and a rope glued to your head... then DON'T. Ninety-nine percent of the universe is living proof that it's possible.

VMAs Fug Carpet: Katy Perry

She and Russell Brand are entering the very competitive world of ice dancing.  I hear their free dance adaptation of Russell's autobiography My Booky Wook is incredibly moving.

VMAs Fug Carpet: Ashley Greene

Without the knot, maybe it's just a nice mini-dress with a Grecian skirt. With it, though, it looks like a quick fix in the car to cover up the fact that she knocked a decanter of red wine into her lap -- or worse, a hastily constructed adult diaper. And if there's one thing in life aside from your house that you don't want built in a hurry, it's probably your adult diaper. 

VMAs Kanyeing: Kanye

CHECK OUT THIS &^$*ING RED SUIT. I AM A VISION OF PRECISION SO HOLD YOUR DERISION WHILE I MAKE AN INCISION IN YOUR %&*^$&ING TELEVISION LIKE PERFORMING A CIRCUMCISION WITH NUCLEAR FISSION SOMETHING-SOMETHING GEICO LONG DIVISION. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST: PROFESSOR PLUM DID IT IN THE CONSERVATORY WITH MISS SCARLEtT AND HE KNOCKED HER UP WITH MY $*&^%ing SUIT, YOU O&$^ING DIG? BUT NO I'M REALLY HERE TO MAKE SURE THAT, A YEAR LATER, YOU ARE ALL STILL %*&%^ING TALKING ABOUT ME AND TAYLOR %*(&$^ING SWIFT WHO HAS A GIFT THAT I GAVE SHORT SHRIFT AFTER I RIFFED ABOUT BEYONCE GOT STIFFED AND IF YOU SHOP WITH ANY THRIFT BUY GEICO FOR YOUR FORK-LIFT. AND I HOPE THAT AFTER THIS $*&^ING BROADCAST, AND THIS #$%$^ING SENSITIVE RAP, WE CAN ALL %*$^ING FORGIVE EACH OTHER AND %*&$^ING MOVE THE %*&^ ON BECAUSE I %(^&ING HAVE TO GO BUY THROW-PILLOWS AND ##%ING 3(#*^-SWINGS AND SOME *^$&*^ i&*^()%i&ERY AND DON'T FORGET THE (#%*(& SALAMI ICED WITH *$#&*^$ GEICO (%$^)s^ CHEESE FACTORY &%$#*^)^ )(@#*#()%$_^ ()#e%^$)%_^ TOE-JAM. DID YOU GET ALL THAT? YEAH, I THOUGHT SO."