The Fug Show: The Long National Nightmare Continues

So, Amanda Bynes is still on her Dear horror tour, making it yet ever more clear that she needs to stick to acting, as there's really not a huge hole in the Boring and Cheap Looking Casual Wear That I Could Pick Up at the Student Union Between Psych and Poli Sci When I Get Cold arena:

The Amanda Fug

Dear Amanda Bynes:

Listen, I watched She's The Man. Sure, it was on a plane, but unlike Employee of the Month, it never once tempted me to unlatch the emergency door mid-flight to escape. In fact, I may have recommended it to others, with the old tried and true "hey, it won't make you want to hurtle yourself into space. Plus, Channing Tatum!" You are a cute girl, albeit in an increasing generic Blonde Tan sort of way. And I am not one to find fault with a black minidress.

But your companion here -- let's call her Nearly Headless Nicole -- is wearing what appears to be EVERY SINGLE ITEM from your new clothing line, Bitten. Er, wait. That's SJP's clothing line. From your new clothing line, Dear. Whatever.

NHN also looks like this might be her first month in college and she's had a bit of a run-in with the concept of separating her laundry, thus turning everything this dingy, tragic shade of gray. Girl, that's what happens when the dude you've been hooking up with tosses his black socks into your whites. You need constant vigilance with those guys. You'll also get back to your dorm room and he'll be smearing your toothpaste on a zit and sniffing your underwear. Just so you know.

Fugmanda Bynes

If Amanda Bynes is proud of her legs, then hooray for her -- seriously, enjoy the lack of cellulite while it lasts, kid, because Mother Nature is mean and cranky and someday she will spank you with her dimpled paddle.




Evidently she is equally proud of her crotch, given that she seems hell-bent on trying to show it to everyone (don't worry, this is safe for work):

[Photo: Splash News]

HONEY. We live in a society. You have to be careful how you stretch when you're in a tiny micro-mini, and you have to be doubly mindful when you are standing on a staircase and anyone down below can look up and immediately write a 100,000-word thesis on your waxing habits. Does NO ONE in Hollywood offer up a seminar to young actresses on how to keep their vaginas under wraps? She got lucky here, but it's only a matter of time.



You know, her birthday is coming up -- can someone at least make sure she receives lots of underwear?

What a Fug Wants

"Hey guys!

Guess what? I'm totally predictable now!"

VMAs Fug Carpet: Amanda Bynes

OH MY GOD, you guys! You're not going to believe this! Amanda Bynes is wearing a tiny mini-dress and a fake tan!

Fug the Cover: Amanda Bynes

I...have so many words about this cover. First, she's wearing my jeans from '93. Second, as one of the many readers who emailed us about this pointed out, she's wearing Pamela Anderson's face from '96. I must add that she's also wearing Pamela Anderson Lee's wig from '95, and Marie Antoinette neck's from 1794, otherwise known as none. Third, according to this cover, now I have to get a sexy VAGINA? Are you SERIOUS? SERIOUSLY, COSMO, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Worrying that your vagina is not sufficiently sexy is like being concerned that your ear drums are flabby: IT IS RIDICULOUS. Don't we have enough to worry about -- unemployment, teen pregnancy, insufficiently voluminous hair, and the possible resurgence of clogs -- without being told we need to be sitting around wondering if our vagina looks frumpy? STOP THE MOTHERF'ING MADNESS. EVERYONE'S VAGINA IS FINE. WORRY ABOUT THE CLOGS. And the fact that Amanda Bynes is now a Botoxed 42 year old Malibu matron who is totally wearing Uggs with those jeans.

Fug the Cover: Amanda Bynes

Okay. I mean, a) UGH. Right? Let's get that out of the way. Ugh to this entire undertaking. I think I've ranted here before -- more than once, and probably at length -- about how I actually prefer Playboy to Maxim. Because at least Playboy is like, "hell yeah, there's nudity in here. And the articles are good." Whereas Maxim is sort of "tee-hee, you guys, boobies! READ ABOUT BEER" about the whole thing, which makes it kind of feel like it's been edited by a team of sophomore boys. Also, it has a tendency to run about six articles a year about how to talk a woman into having sex with you when she's kind of not feeling it (probably due to how you're reading Maxim all the time), which is totally the lad mag equivalent of girl magazine articles about how to finagle an engagement ring out of your commitment-shy man, as though getting someone to nail/marry you via weird psychological finaglings and mind-altering amounts of Axe Body Spray is a legitimate victory, which it is not. Anyway, it appears Team Bynes has a plan, because Amanda here was on the cover of Cosmo last month, and everyone knows that Maxim is Cosmo for dudes. But I actually just have a question, and that question is: what is going on here? She is taking off her sweater (of course) by shimmying out through the neckhole (...okay), but she refuses to take her hands out of her pockets (huh?). Does she think that thing's just a skirt with arms? Or is her "weirdest secret (p. 62)" that she's in an obscure sect of Never Nudes that employs cozy v-necks in the place of cut-offs?