Melfug Place

ASHLEE SIMPSON: SIGH.

KATIE CASSIDY: Right? Another day, another boring Melrose Place junket.



ASHLEE SIMPSON: I KNOW. But I'm glad to see you're keeping things fun by making a joke out of it.



KATIE: Me? YOU are the one making a joke out of it.



ASHLEE: Uh-uh, babe. I'm not the one dressed as a gymnast at the Olympics closing ceremony dance.



KATIE: I'M not the one who looks like she murdered a zebra. But hey, as long as you DIDN'T, then PETA won't come after you and everything will be fine.



ASHLEE: Oh, shut up. Admit it: I look kind of cute.



KATIE: Yeah, you do, actually. It's true. And so do I.



ASHLEE. I wouldn't go THAT far.



KATIE: Huh?



ASHLEE: You also kind of look like you're auditioning to play Julianne Hough in some Disney Channel movie all about how she first learned the paso doble.



KATIE: That's rich criticism coming from a girl who is vag-hugging everyone tonight.



ASHLEE: I don't know what you mean.



KATIE: Don't you? Well, allow me to illuminate.

Fug The Cover: Ashlee Simpson

Alicia Silverstone? Cute! Connie Britton? Enviable! Ashlee Simpson? Cock-eyed, tired, and wonkus. It reminds me of when I was making a version of myself on the Tiger Woods golf game for the Wii, and just for fun I kept inflating all my features to really weird sizes. It is the worst possible angle on her and it makes her surgically streamlined and generally flattering nose look more like a honker of a schnozz -- plus, you KNOW how much I hate makeup that GIVES you undereye bags (see also: Deschanel, Emily). If this cover is supposed to make women in their 30s and 40s feel better about themselves by making them feel way hotter than the twenty-something, then congrats, because that strategy may have worked. Yeah, Connie Britton is shoved in there at a weird body angle but she's hot.

Then the attack migrates to the thirty-somethings. Look at the picture they chose of Alicia Silverstone for inside the magazine:

Fugrose Fug

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

1.No.

2.Unless you're working as a cigarette girl. And it's a contractual requirement of said gig.



3.In which case, okay, but you, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, should probably not need a second job at this point in your career

4.Which, while we're talking about it....Melrose Place: The Return is actually really good.

5.And Ashlee is kind of good ON it. I KNOW. I can't believe it either. I think she might just be well-cast, but still. It all works. Plus: MANCINI.



6.Seriously, was musical theatre involved in this evening in some manner? Because Ashlee's head recalls nothing so much as this Muse from Xanadu:


I have quite a bit to say about this:

Breakup Fugovers

[Photos of Ashlee: Splash News.com]

Note: I am not endorsing the hat or the overalls.



And here she is now:


There's nothing like an irrational, anger-fueled trip to the salon after an ugly breakup -- it's the kind of experience where you end up with bangs you can't pull off, a pixie cut that makes your ears look the size of eggplants, or highlights that look like you just pulled out a Major Accent and colored them in yourself.


Neither of these makeovers is THAT severe, but because we love to put things to a vote on GFY, I figured I'd spotlight them anyway. First up: Ashlee Simpson. Now, Ashlee just got dumped rather unceremoniously by Melrose Place, because she can't act. (However, her character is supposed to be unhinged, so her complete lack of talent actually ended up working to make Violet seem MORE deranged, and therefore I'm totally bummed she got canned. Chin up, girl, at least you got to nail Michael Mancini before the door hit you on the way out.) And Ashlee coped with this parting-of-the-ways with a new dye job.

Here she is before:

Unfug It Up: Ashlee Simpson

I have to admit, I am going to miss old Ashlee Simpson on Melrose Place. She was kind of terrible, but her squirrelly behavior totally worked for her character. She has, of course, reacted to getting canned by jumping back into a role in Chicago, and totally re-done her look. Like you do after a bad break-up. I feel you, babe. However, what we ended up with is THIS:



It's like Morticia Adams meets That Girl! and I think it actually almost works, except there's something about it that makes her look like she's just a floating face. How to fix? Does it need fixing? Let me crank up some "Pieces of Me" -- catchy, if only secretly. Don't lie. I've seen you singing along in the car -- and then let's get to work on La Simpson's post MP look. Work your magic in the comments, readers dear.

You Make Me Wanna Fug-Fug

At first I feared this would force us to turn down Tights Are Not Pants Boulevard...

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsonline.com]

... but now I think we can bypass that turnoff in favor of cruising the Outdated Romper Toll Road. The fee is ten mental references to how these were barely still popular the FIRST time Melrose Place premiered, although if you have an EZ-Pass, you can get by with one silent snort about how her blazer covers more of her thighs than the shorts do, and an entreaty for her to stop taking head-grooming lessons from Courtney Love.

I Didn't Fug Your Boyfriend

ASHLEE: So, Pete. This IS the Kentucky Derby pre-party, you know.


PETE: I do know. I'm here, aren't I?


ASHLEE: Well, but my point is, hats are encouraged. See? I look really cute in mine.


PETE: I can't hide my light under a bowler. Don't try to change me, baby.


ASHLEE: Fine, but if one more person walks up and makes a There's Something About Mary joke, I'm going to take a butter knife to that stupid thing. I already dated Ryan Cabrera, thank you very much. I don't need a reputation as a girl who wants all her guys to look like they lick electrical outlets.


PETE: What about a reputation for a girl who wants all her guys to look TOTALLY BAD-ASS? Because check out our actual Derby Day outfits.


ASHLEE: That makes no sense. Are we peeking into the future?


PETE: Just go with it:

Fug Kisses

ASHLEE SIMPSON: I'll have the chopped salad.




JESSICA SIMPSON: Excuse me?



ASHLEE: Dressing on the side, okay? Thanks.



JESSICA: Get it yourself!



ASHLEE: Whoa. The service here is TERRIBLE. I shall reflect my dismay in my tip.



JESSICA: What are you talking about?



ASHLEE: You're in the food service business now, right?



JESSICA: What? No.



ASHLEE: Why are you dressed like a waitress, then? In what is clearly a borrowed uniform, as it's far too tight in the boobs.



JESSICA: I...oh, shut up.



ASHLEE: That's what I thought.

Chicagfug

So, apparently this is Ashlee Simpson leaving her pal Ken Paves' salon.

[Photo: WENN.com]

And my question is: Should your tresses really look like that on your way OUT of the hairdresser? You know, "Ken Paves" anagrams to "spank eve," and frankly, I hope that's how she tipped him for this.

Pieces of Fug

[Photo: WENN.com]

"Come on, Ashlee. I'm going to make sure you return those shorts to Britney if it's the last thing I do."