Fuggles

[Photo: Splash News.com]

I kind of like that sparkly bed-jacket. I mean, not without a top. Or with shorts. Or with those creepy fur boots. Or on her. Or probably even on me. But as sparkly bed-jackets go -- like, as they EXIST IN THE UNIVERSE -- I don't mind it. In fact, that may in fact be the perfect bed-jacket to wear whilst reading Nipples. IF IT EVER HAPPENS. Woe.

Bai Ling's Fuggles

There are some outfits so craztacular that I worry my store of words doesn't contain the right ingredients to appropriately comment on them. For example:

The first thought that pops into my mind is, "This is like....I mean, it's....there are feathers? And...a bra top? And tulle? And....ruffles? And....like...they're all...connected? AMAZING." That is barely even a sentence, you guys. But seriously. This is MAJESTIC in its crazy. It's like what would happen if you glued a Swan Lake figure skating costume to one of those bras Victoria's Secret sells at Christmas for like a million dollars, because what any woman wants her beloved to spend a million dollars on, it's definitely underwear. PLUS a foot of veiling left over from a soap opera funeral. THERE AREN'T ENOUGH WORDS FOR THAT.

Fug Ling

When I don't see Bai Ling for a period of time, I start to worry. Who knows what's happened to her It seems very likely that she could have fallen into a man hole or something, and how would we know?

Luckily, it appears she has not fallen into a man hole, but simply into the lace scrap bin at Joann's Fabrics.

The Fug Ranch

ELISE NEAL: I'm Elise Neal. I'm sure you remember me from Hustle & Flow -- or, barring that, Scream 2. I look good!

SCOUT TAYLOR-COMPTON: I'm Scout Taylor-Compton, and I've been in a metric ton of stuff, including the movie Sleepover, the terrible promos for which actually launched this very web site. Wikipedia will tell you that my given name is Desariee Starr Compton, which goes a long way to explain why I changed it. Why did I change it to something that sounds like I got my copy of To Kill a Mockingbird in someone's episode of True Blood? I'll tell you at the bar. Also: I seem to look cute, but this dress is cut to the navel, secretly, behind Helen's arm.

HELEN MIRREN: I'm Helen mother-f'ing Mirren.

TARYN MANNING: Hey! I was ALSO in Hustle & Flow! HI ELISE!!!! I'm late for the Little Miss California Pageant, but I thought I would just pop in and say hi to everyone!
BAI LING: Yes. I am also here. With Helen Mirren. I BAI LING AM HANGING OUT WITH HELEN MIRREN AND SOON THE UNICORNS WILL ARRIVE AND WE WILL DANCE IN THE RAINBOWS AND SLEEP UNDER THE MOONS OVER MY HAMMY. Helen, come over here. I have to tell you something.

OMGly Played, Bai Ling

Not long ago, Jessica accidentally posted a piece without deleting her place-holder text, "WORDS." But I almost published this one written that way on purpose, because... WORDS.

 
Of all the times we've thought Bai Ling was swerving toward normalcy like a drunk driver on the freeway, this is the BIGGEST swerve toward the MOST normalcy. Case in point: I'm looking at her face more than anything else. Has that ever happened before with Bai "Nipples" Ling? So, yes: WORDS. I have some. They are muddled and weak -- they are the Scoundrels of words -- but they are floating through my head in a confusingly complimentary haze and I can't tell if I'm ever supposed to feel this way or if I should be begging Bai to go out tonight in a sequined dickie with hot pants made of Ruffles (not ruffles -- Ruffles) and a fur face mask.

Well Played, Bai Ling/Normally Played, Bai Ling

There is no better example of why we don't REALLY want anyone obeying us than Bai Ling:
I mean, she looks totally pretty and normal here. I might be able to see a HINT of under-cleavage, but honestly, she looks lovely. IT'S SO BORING. If Bai Ling, of all people, starts showing up places looking fresh and pert and adorable on the regular, WHATEVER SHALL I WRITE ABOUT? Also: SNOOZE. As much as we complain, there's really nothing more entertaining than someone having the balls/lacking the brains to show up in something really super cracked out. So you can imagine my relief when I saw what our Beloved Bai wore out earlier this same day:
Continue reading Well Played, Bai Ling/Normally Played, Bai Ling.

Bai Lifug

[Photo: WENN.com]

I don't mean to be all, "ME ME ME," but it's relevant: Today is my birthday, and I mention it only because I think this is my present from the universe.
She looks a stripper at Bedrock's most famous joint, the Spearmint Rockno.

Fug Ranch

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I feel so much BETTER about things when I know that Bai Ling is out and about, posing for photos in front of the valet stand at random Hollywood clubs, wearing long-ass crimped extensions and jeans cut so low that I begin to wonder if I tripped and fell into 2007:
 
It's like, that's as it should be. Bai Ling is posing "seductively" in front of the valet stand, the person standing behind Bai Ling at the valet stand is thinking, "Am I seriously in this random paparazzi photo? I just want to get my car and go home. It's a Tuesday night and my feet hurt in these shoes. This is all so AWKWARD for me," and the valets are thinking, "Hang on just a second. We're watching Bai Ling pose in front of our valet stand. God, this town is weird." This is exactly what happens every night in this town. At least there's something out there in this crazy world we can still count on.