Britney Spears continues to look amazing in a bikini. Today the pop princess spent some time with boyfriend Jason Trawick at the Grand Wailea resort pool in Hawaii
Showing posts with label Britney Spears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Britney Spears. Show all posts
Britney Spears Responds To Sexual Harassment Lawsuit
Britney Spears has responded to the accusations that she sexually harassed former bodyguard Fernando Flores.
Flores has filed a lawsuit claiming that the twenty-eight-year-old pop star repeatedly exposed herself, made unwanted sexual advances toward him and even alleges that she abused her children.
But representatives for Spears have hit back at the claims saying that the bodyguard made up the allegations for his own personal gain and to take advantage of the Spears family.
In Spears' defense, the department of Children & Family Services conducted an investigation and closed the case without any action.
Also sticking up for Britney is ex-husband Kevin Federline whose rep called the accusations entirely unfounded and baseless.
Lawyers for Britney expect the case to be dismissed by the court.
Flores has filed a lawsuit claiming that the twenty-eight-year-old pop star repeatedly exposed herself, made unwanted sexual advances toward him and even alleges that she abused her children.
But representatives for Spears have hit back at the claims saying that the bodyguard made up the allegations for his own personal gain and to take advantage of the Spears family.
In Spears' defense, the department of Children & Family Services conducted an investigation and closed the case without any action.
Also sticking up for Britney is ex-husband Kevin Federline whose rep called the accusations entirely unfounded and baseless.
Lawyers for Britney expect the case to be dismissed by the court.
Britney Spears And Son
After a quick court appearance where her conservatorship wasn't removed, Britney Spears spent the day out with her son in a backless black dress.
Wow, how Jayden James has grown!
Wow, how Jayden James has grown!
Her Fug Prerogative
Britney's got a new single coming out, the cover of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative" that's attached to her Greatest Hits album -- the premature appearance of which suggests that nobody really believes wholeheartedly that she'll have a "great" hit ever again, so they might as well strike while the Frito Pie is still hot.
As such, it's nice to see Britney already thinking ahead about her future, and turning to alternate sources of income -- specifically, what one can only assume is preparation for a gig as a Clearasil spokeswoman:
It's like she rubbed her chin in Crisco, which might well be close to the truth if she was anywhere near the loins of her new husband.
Zits are tough. And what's a girl to do when she can't find her legendary wrinkled cut-offs, probably because they're wadded up on the balcony underneath a pile of empty Colt 45 bottles, three used condoms, and a spittoon?
Why, she turns to her very best distressed grass-stained pants, that's what:
And for good measure, she gets a gigantic Coke stain on her shirt.
I can't wait for The Best Letter I've, Like, Totally Ever Written, Y'All, because I'm eagerly anticipating the chapter wherein she explains her apparently unquellable impulse to communicate through bawdy t-shirts and trucker hats. "Carpe Assum -- Seize the Ass," her hat proclaims. Okay, Brit. We get it. You're edgy. You're nobody's princess. Neither am I anyone's princess, yet I still find time to clean my clothes, wash my hair, and actively not wear trucker hats with "clever" messages on them. Why don't you give me a call? I can show you how.
[Photos courtesy of Lime-light.org and an eagle-eyed reader.]
The Letter of Fug
Hi, y'all! I'm Britney Spears!
Y'all, Kevin and I went to the pet story to get Laci a little jacket because it's so cold out and I heard that this pet store in Malibu sold little "Rock Out With Your Cock Out" hats for dogs and I thought that might be cute too, you know, because that would match my fine hubby's hat and it's so cute when doggies match their daddies but when we got there there was just so much to choose from I just couldn't decide! I was so confused that all my hair just stood right up on top of my head, y'all!
What was I talking about again? Oh right. Y'all keep talking about how I look crummy when I leave the house but that is totally unfair y'all. Y'all, I am in love. I am married now! I am a married lady! This is how I look, for reals, y'all. I don't have to brush my hair for Kevin. I don't even have to take a shower for Kevin! He told me that I have to do is keep signing the checks...of LOVE. Y'all it is such a relief to not have to shower or brush my hair or wear make-up or make any kind of effort of any kind at all anymore. I am just so comfortable with Kevin and the baby we are making together, currently located in my uterus, which is also unwashed. Oops, did I say that? I guess I did it again. I just can't keep it secret! I can't wait to shop for clothing for little Kevney or Britven, y'all. Y'all, I would actually really like to have twins like Julia Roberts and name them Kevney Cheetos Federline and Britven Red Bull Federline and then Kevney Cheetos and Britven Red Bull and Kevvie and me and maybe my mom Lynne and maybe also my sister Jamie Lynn even though she hasn't called me back in like three weeks can all just live together here in my big house in Malibu with our dogs and also maybe with some of those kids Kevin has with that other lady and we can just sit around and watch movies and I can make a roast and my mother will wash our cars for us because she likes to do that and then I will never have to brush my hair again and no one will care because I will be a married lady with babies and that means I am a GROWN-UP and no one will make me dance with a snake ever ever again.
Except maybe for Justin. I might dance with a snake maybe if Justin asked but DON'T TELL ANYONE I SAID THAT.
LOVE,
BRITNEY!
Fuglie-Lynn Spears
Hi y'all! It is, like, so exciting to be at an event on my OWN, for once, without Britney -- she's taking the dogs to Mystic Tan -- or my mama, who's at home reading the pre-nup over and over again. She hasn't put that thing down in months! Something about "ratfaced pimpbag"...? Maybe? Is that by Louis Vuitton? I don't know! But she loves purses, so maybe. Mama doesn't tell me anything, mostly because she's always off in the corner rocking back and forth and moaning, and when I try to get her to watch my show, Zoey 101, she just mutters the words "chastity belt" and then starts to cry while she chants something about dirty moneygrubbing pig-ignorance. Maybe she doesn't like my manager?
Anyway, I did get some styling tips from Britney, though, before I came. Like my hair. She told me to dye it brown because then you don't have to wash it as often, and that way, you can not bother with the shower until you can smell yourself without even having to stick your nose in your armpit. That's her system. She really loves the environment, and is trying to save water, and stuff. Then she helped me add the wrinkles to my shirt and pants, because ironing is so last millennium. When she stepped all over my pants it left them with this really cool uneven-hem look, which I love. And she told me not to worry about standing up straight, because only boring people do that, and anyway, if you slouch then you're closer to, like, the fans, and stuff.
And then she let me borrow this jacket she made out of one of the baby blankets she's stocked up on. Kevin ripped it up one night before he disappeared for Las Vegas again, so while Brit was cleansing her system with vodka -- she told me that disinfects your organs better than one of those colonic thingies -- she turned the blanket into a little coat for BitBit, but it didn't fit. So I get it.
She's going to be the best mom! Especially because she doesn't sit alone in corners rocking back and forth.
I'm A Slave For Fug
Ma! Billy Ray! Break out the Cheetos and the Two-Buck Chuck, ya heah, 'cuz Cousin-Aunt Britney done near outfugged herself:
Look, Brit, there are some things so easy that even a female Ralph Wiggum like yourself can figure them out. Like underpants. THEY GO UNDER THINGS. Like, say, YOUR PANTS. Underwear is not meant to wrap around your thigh -- it's meant to leave something about your pubic grooming to the imagination -- and it's not meant as a protective measure so that you can wear fugly loose-fitting clothes that fall off your soiled ass, yet not worry about the paparazzi snapping a picture of your (wilted, dying) flower. And see those seams halfway down your shirt? Those are supposed to be BELOW your breasts, not riding so far up above one of them that you're fixin' to get put into some kind of cotton chokehold.
Finally, for the love of god, BRUSH YOUR HAIR.
That is all.
For now.
Letter of Truth: Part An Infinite Supply of Bad Idea Jeans
Y'all.
Um! Look. I don't know WHY y'all are all acting all WORKED UP every time I leave the house, but I was taught that just because things are going all backasswards in your life like when OLD FAT JUDGES decide that just because you can't always tell your kids apart maybe you should stop doing drugs, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to dress up like a P-I-M-P and get your drink on, okay? I saw on Judge Joe Brown yesterday that it's NORMAL for people to use ALCOHOL to solve their problems so why don't all y'all just LEAVE ME ALONE. But take my picture first.
Whatever the opposite of LOVE is,
BRITNEY.
Letter of Truth: Part Well-Played
OH. MY. GOD. Y'ALL. Where have I been for the last year or whatever?
I think I heard something about something about how it's totally depressing to make fun of someone's outfits when her outfits are the least of her problems or something? I don't know. I wasn't paying any attention. I don't know if y'all are aware, but I have had a craaaazy year this last year. That chapter in my autobiography (working title: Cheetos: A Love Story) is going to be juicy. That's all I'm saying. Lifetime Television For Women juicy and I am so playing myself as Young Britney and then Kim Cattrall can play me when I'm old, just like in Crossroads. Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and tell all y'all that I'm feeling much better and if you're blind or whatever and reading this in like Braille or something, I also really just want you to know that I also look TOTALLY AWESOME and really cute and in good shape and with a decent weave for once and also completely self-actualized and full of inner something or other -- I don't know. Dr Phil keeps calling and leaving these long-ass messages on my machine about letting my inner self-esteem elephant trample the lawn of my self-image or something and that reminds me I need to call him and tell him to leave me alone because I so don't need a new man in my life. Just this hot ass outfit. Suck on it, Timberlake. You too, Federline. And all the rest of all y'all. I told you I'd be back. It just TOOK ME A WHILE. GOD.
LOVE YOU MISSED YOU MEAN IT
BRITNEY.
I think I heard something about something about how it's totally depressing to make fun of someone's outfits when her outfits are the least of her problems or something? I don't know. I wasn't paying any attention. I don't know if y'all are aware, but I have had a craaaazy year this last year. That chapter in my autobiography (working title: Cheetos: A Love Story) is going to be juicy. That's all I'm saying. Lifetime Television For Women juicy and I am so playing myself as Young Britney and then Kim Cattrall can play me when I'm old, just like in Crossroads. Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and tell all y'all that I'm feeling much better and if you're blind or whatever and reading this in like Braille or something, I also really just want you to know that I also look TOTALLY AWESOME and really cute and in good shape and with a decent weave for once and also completely self-actualized and full of inner something or other -- I don't know. Dr Phil keeps calling and leaving these long-ass messages on my machine about letting my inner self-esteem elephant trample the lawn of my self-image or something and that reminds me I need to call him and tell him to leave me alone because I so don't need a new man in my life. Just this hot ass outfit. Suck on it, Timberlake. You too, Federline. And all the rest of all y'all. I told you I'd be back. It just TOOK ME A WHILE. GOD.
LOVE YOU MISSED YOU MEAN IT
BRITNEY.
Letter of Truth: Teen Choice Awards Edition
"OhMYGODY'ALL.
HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.
And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.
So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it. And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:
1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4) I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!
TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL
LOVE,
BRITNEY
HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.
And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.
So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it. And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:
1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4) I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!
TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL
LOVE,
BRITNEY
Letter of Fug: Part TIME TRAVEL
Oh my god, hey y'all! What's up?
[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]
I hope y'all have a full Slurpee because I have got A LOT to talk to y'all about and I don't have any time for y'all to get up and get a snack, like the last time I was talking to my mama about how Ed Morocco (or whatever the Sam Hill that tan man's name is over at E!) has been saying that Justin and Lucy from 7th Heaven are FINALLY breaking up and now we can seriously finally be together again -- like can you imagine the hilarious sequel we could do to "Dick in a Box"? I'm gonna entitle it "Arm in a Handbag" -- and she just stood up and said she needed a drink and she never came back, which I thought was really rude.
So anyway yeah I'm working on "Arm in a Handbag" and I was going to call it, "Head in a Backpack," but Jamie Lynn said that was creepy and she says she should know since she's taking some dumb class on criminal psychology from the University of Phoenix because she says she needs to have an "actual job like a normal person" and I don't know why she always makes those little finger air marks and gives me a dirty look when she says that but whatever. She's been so crabby since that pipe layer knocked her up and I keep telling her what she ought to do is get REAL FAT and then go on The Celebrity Fit Club and then we made some mean jokes about Kevin that I won't illiterate here because they're not very nice and he is the father of my three children or however many I have.
I'M JUST KIDDING Y'ALL. I know I only have two babies, I'm not CRAZY anymore. Can't you tell from my outfit? This is CLASSIC BRITNEY SPEARS NORMAL Y'ALL! Cut-offs? Check! Belly-shirt? CHECK. Visible bra? CHECK. Stumpy UGG boots in 150 degree heat? CHECK. Messy blonde ponytail? CHECK. The only thing missing is a belly ring and a snake, am I right?! I am serious, y'all, if someone hit you over the head with a Crockpot and you woke up next to the computer and this picture was the first thing you saw you would totally think you'd been awokened in 2004 which just happens to be the year I released my Emmy-winning hit single "Toxic" which I think everyone knows is awesome. COINCIDENCE? You be the umpire.
Yeah, so even though when I left the house to go to Target to get tube socks wearing this outfit my Daddy like sighed real deep and said something about trouble, I think we can all agree that actually what this look means is that everything is going to be TOTALLY FINE because I could not be feeling more like myself! HOW MUCH LIKE ME DO I LOOK? I'm like a Halloween costume of myself I look so much like me. And it feels seriously awesome so I can only quote that sweet little curly-haired girl in Clueless and tell you that I hope me looking like me doesn't happen sporadically.
ANYWAY. Thanks for listening and I know you love the cut-offs so YOU'RE WELCOME and now I have to get back to work on "Arm in a Handbag." YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO LOVE IT although I might send him "Head in a Backpack" TOO because it is honestly catchy and Jamie Lynn is seriously quite dumb, you guys.
DON'T BE ESTRANGED!
xoxo
Britney
[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]
I hope y'all have a full Slurpee because I have got A LOT to talk to y'all about and I don't have any time for y'all to get up and get a snack, like the last time I was talking to my mama about how Ed Morocco (or whatever the Sam Hill that tan man's name is over at E!) has been saying that Justin and Lucy from 7th Heaven are FINALLY breaking up and now we can seriously finally be together again -- like can you imagine the hilarious sequel we could do to "Dick in a Box"? I'm gonna entitle it "Arm in a Handbag" -- and she just stood up and said she needed a drink and she never came back, which I thought was really rude.
So anyway yeah I'm working on "Arm in a Handbag" and I was going to call it, "Head in a Backpack," but Jamie Lynn said that was creepy and she says she should know since she's taking some dumb class on criminal psychology from the University of Phoenix because she says she needs to have an "actual job like a normal person" and I don't know why she always makes those little finger air marks and gives me a dirty look when she says that but whatever. She's been so crabby since that pipe layer knocked her up and I keep telling her what she ought to do is get REAL FAT and then go on The Celebrity Fit Club and then we made some mean jokes about Kevin that I won't illiterate here because they're not very nice and he is the father of my three children or however many I have.
I'M JUST KIDDING Y'ALL. I know I only have two babies, I'm not CRAZY anymore. Can't you tell from my outfit? This is CLASSIC BRITNEY SPEARS NORMAL Y'ALL! Cut-offs? Check! Belly-shirt? CHECK. Visible bra? CHECK. Stumpy UGG boots in 150 degree heat? CHECK. Messy blonde ponytail? CHECK. The only thing missing is a belly ring and a snake, am I right?! I am serious, y'all, if someone hit you over the head with a Crockpot and you woke up next to the computer and this picture was the first thing you saw you would totally think you'd been awokened in 2004 which just happens to be the year I released my Emmy-winning hit single "Toxic" which I think everyone knows is awesome. COINCIDENCE? You be the umpire.
Yeah, so even though when I left the house to go to Target to get tube socks wearing this outfit my Daddy like sighed real deep and said something about trouble, I think we can all agree that actually what this look means is that everything is going to be TOTALLY FINE because I could not be feeling more like myself! HOW MUCH LIKE ME DO I LOOK? I'm like a Halloween costume of myself I look so much like me. And it feels seriously awesome so I can only quote that sweet little curly-haired girl in Clueless and tell you that I hope me looking like me doesn't happen sporadically.
ANYWAY. Thanks for listening and I know you love the cut-offs so YOU'RE WELCOME and now I have to get back to work on "Arm in a Handbag." YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO LOVE IT although I might send him "Head in a Backpack" TOO because it is honestly catchy and Jamie Lynn is seriously quite dumb, you guys.
DON'T BE ESTRANGED!
xoxo
Britney
Grammys LETTER OF TRUTH: PART SUCK IT
HEY Y'ALL WHAT'S UP?
Sorry it took me so long to write to you about the GRAMMYS but I've been looking for my pants for like a week now and I never did find them so I've been walking around without them which I guess is okay now because there was this random girl at the show who looked like really really REALLY REALLY CRAZY and she definitely wasn't wearing pants either, so now I don't feel as embarrassed as I might have normally felt considering that I was in public wearing a dress made of fishnet and a leotard. SOME PEOPLE -- Mom -- seem to think I wore this outfit because I just wanted attention but you'd think she'd remember that whenever I want attention, I just take out a boa constrictor, or get married.
AND THEN when I was at the GRAMMYS people were all, OMG BRITNEY HAS BROWN HAIR AGAIN because I guess brown hair equals crazy for all y'all, but I don't know why you're all spazzing out because that other crazy girl with no pants was rolling around like COVERED IN FLOUR or soot or ashes or something and I think she did something to Elton John that's not legal and everyone was all totally chill about THAT but I spend an afternoon with Miss Clairol and y'all FREAK OUT.
So, what I'm saying is: 1) I'm Britney Spears, b) I have no pants, !) it's okay not to have any pants anymore which is good news because I lost mine 4) do cut-offs count? 5) there's some crazy pantsless girl on the rampage all playing the piano dressed like an old timey aerobics instructor and all y'all seen to think that's normal and f) brown hair is not bad.
I'm tired now.
BYE,
BRITNEY.
PS: I am not engaged to my manageragentboyfriend, but I COULD BE if you think that might be interesting. Just drop me a note at Cheeto_LovER_4EvA_1990@gmail.com.
Sorry it took me so long to write to you about the GRAMMYS but I've been looking for my pants for like a week now and I never did find them so I've been walking around without them which I guess is okay now because there was this random girl at the show who looked like really really REALLY REALLY CRAZY and she definitely wasn't wearing pants either, so now I don't feel as embarrassed as I might have normally felt considering that I was in public wearing a dress made of fishnet and a leotard. SOME PEOPLE -- Mom -- seem to think I wore this outfit because I just wanted attention but you'd think she'd remember that whenever I want attention, I just take out a boa constrictor, or get married.
AND THEN when I was at the GRAMMYS people were all, OMG BRITNEY HAS BROWN HAIR AGAIN because I guess brown hair equals crazy for all y'all, but I don't know why you're all spazzing out because that other crazy girl with no pants was rolling around like COVERED IN FLOUR or soot or ashes or something and I think she did something to Elton John that's not legal and everyone was all totally chill about THAT but I spend an afternoon with Miss Clairol and y'all FREAK OUT.
So, what I'm saying is: 1) I'm Britney Spears, b) I have no pants, !) it's okay not to have any pants anymore which is good news because I lost mine 4) do cut-offs count? 5) there's some crazy pantsless girl on the rampage all playing the piano dressed like an old timey aerobics instructor and all y'all seen to think that's normal and f) brown hair is not bad.
I'm tired now.
BYE,
BRITNEY.
PS: I am not engaged to my manageragentboyfriend, but I COULD BE if you think that might be interesting. Just drop me a note at Cheeto_LovER_4EvA_1990@gmail.com.
Letter of Truth Part HELLO
Y'ALL HELLO!
[Photo: Splash]
What a beautiful day, y'all. I'm wearing white like the bride-to-be that I am (no I'm not) (yes, I am) (actually, I'm not but you didn't hear it from me, Star magazine, so run that story about how I'm marrying my agent if y'all want!) and if I WAS getting married, which I'm not -- although I could be, because remember that time I married George Costanza for 20 minutes? That was fun, although not for my mom -- this is totally what I'd wear because it's like November Rain and Axl Rose might show up and play the piano while I walked down the aisle.
ANYWAY, I'm just out shopping in my Sally Jesse Raphael glasses like a regular person, here on Rodeo Drive like a regular person, making my bodyguard carry my Bebe bags like a regular person, just like a regular person. In fact, I feel really, really really regular because it's been like a month since I was in any magazine at all and it's like all y'all forgot that I am Britney Spears and crazy shit could happen to me at any minute. Like, you know how Kevin is all on Celebrity Fit Club right now with his ex-wife? What if I burst onto set and started screaming that he's still real fat and I LOVE IT and I hope he NEVER LOSES ANY WEIGHT EVER and I have to be escorted away by security? What if I forget to wear pants again? What if I kidnap Justin (which I would never because I don't know where he's living right now)? What if I accidentally injure myself now that I've started combing my hair with a spork? I'M STILL HAPPENING, PEOPLE! Aren't y'all excited to see me in my little spring get-up that looks kinda like lingerie but IS NOT? Aren't y'all happy that I look like I'm UNPREDICTABLE still but not mentally ill or whatever, because that's the combination that my management teams says works best for me as a celebrity? WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A LITTLE WHILE AGAIN?
Just a suggestion!!
LOVE
BRITNEY
PS HAPPY EASTER! I love to eat the heads off chocolate bunnies.
[Photo: Splash]
What a beautiful day, y'all. I'm wearing white like the bride-to-be that I am (no I'm not) (yes, I am) (actually, I'm not but you didn't hear it from me, Star magazine, so run that story about how I'm marrying my agent if y'all want!) and if I WAS getting married, which I'm not -- although I could be, because remember that time I married George Costanza for 20 minutes? That was fun, although not for my mom -- this is totally what I'd wear because it's like November Rain and Axl Rose might show up and play the piano while I walked down the aisle.
ANYWAY, I'm just out shopping in my Sally Jesse Raphael glasses like a regular person, here on Rodeo Drive like a regular person, making my bodyguard carry my Bebe bags like a regular person, just like a regular person. In fact, I feel really, really really regular because it's been like a month since I was in any magazine at all and it's like all y'all forgot that I am Britney Spears and crazy shit could happen to me at any minute. Like, you know how Kevin is all on Celebrity Fit Club right now with his ex-wife? What if I burst onto set and started screaming that he's still real fat and I LOVE IT and I hope he NEVER LOSES ANY WEIGHT EVER and I have to be escorted away by security? What if I forget to wear pants again? What if I kidnap Justin (which I would never because I don't know where he's living right now)? What if I accidentally injure myself now that I've started combing my hair with a spork? I'M STILL HAPPENING, PEOPLE! Aren't y'all excited to see me in my little spring get-up that looks kinda like lingerie but IS NOT? Aren't y'all happy that I look like I'm UNPREDICTABLE still but not mentally ill or whatever, because that's the combination that my management teams says works best for me as a celebrity? WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A LITTLE WHILE AGAIN?
Just a suggestion!!
LOVE
BRITNEY
PS HAPPY EASTER! I love to eat the heads off chocolate bunnies.
Letter of Truth: Part OH NO
HEY Y'ALL! Whoops, I just wrote HEY YAKS. I'VE HAD A LOT OF COFFEE TODAY OKAY? BUT I KNOW Y'ALL AREN'T YAKS.
[Photos: Splash News]
Okay. So, I've got a LOT to do today -- obviously, can't you tell from my outfit that I am so super obviously OBVIOUSLY on my way to my combination boxing class/Al Bundy look-alike contest/soccer match? GOAL, right? Right. Anyway, I just had to run into Starbucks SUPER SUPER SUPER fast for a double caramel frap-cap-whippacino and then I just wanted to pop my head in and remind y'all that when my extensions start looking like this, then SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL as they say and I could snap at any time and I might beat you with a parasol or a raincoat or any number of weather protectants and, listen, I think maybe y'all might have forgotten that I exist, because Lindsay Lohan and Taylor Momsen and Lady Gaga and BLAH BLAH BLAH they're all so distracting and I get it, I get it, I've been hanging out with my agent boyfriend all under the radar and stuff and so that's why you thought everything was under control, but! Do not forget me, America and other places! I am the original and the one and only and I COULD BLOW AT ANY MOMENT OKAY? ANY MOMENT. LOOK AT THESE SHORTS. I HAVE THE BATSHIT CRAZY IN ME AND IT CAN LAY DORMANT LIKE MONO AND THEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE IT MIGHT JUST POP OUT AND THAT'S PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE AUGUST.
Just thought you should know. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
LOVE,
Britney.
[Photos: Splash News]
Okay. So, I've got a LOT to do today -- obviously, can't you tell from my outfit that I am so super obviously OBVIOUSLY on my way to my combination boxing class/Al Bundy look-alike contest/soccer match? GOAL, right? Right. Anyway, I just had to run into Starbucks SUPER SUPER SUPER fast for a double caramel frap-cap-whippacino and then I just wanted to pop my head in and remind y'all that when my extensions start looking like this, then SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL as they say and I could snap at any time and I might beat you with a parasol or a raincoat or any number of weather protectants and, listen, I think maybe y'all might have forgotten that I exist, because Lindsay Lohan and Taylor Momsen and Lady Gaga and BLAH BLAH BLAH they're all so distracting and I get it, I get it, I've been hanging out with my agent boyfriend all under the radar and stuff and so that's why you thought everything was under control, but! Do not forget me, America and other places! I am the original and the one and only and I COULD BLOW AT ANY MOMENT OKAY? ANY MOMENT. LOOK AT THESE SHORTS. I HAVE THE BATSHIT CRAZY IN ME AND IT CAN LAY DORMANT LIKE MONO AND THEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE IT MIGHT JUST POP OUT AND THAT'S PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE AUGUST.
Just thought you should know. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!
LOVE,
Britney.
Letter of Truth: Part OH NO AGAIN
Hey y'all! I know we JUST talked about stuff and things and whatever but I had to just pop my head back in again and tell y'all about how I'm on the cover of Cosmo this month! I mean TECHNICALLY it's not ACTUALLY me, it's just MY FACE and actually it's just PART of my face because that's not my forehead and it's also that's not actually my hair but PART of my face is on the cover of Cosmo this month and isn't that exciting!? Also, now I know the answer to that question there about what to do if you ate a whole pizza: Photoshop!
Whee! Okay, back to whatever I was doing before (prank-calling Justin). (YES, STILL.) (Why are you so judgmental? Didn't you ever love someone, [ALLEGEDLY] cheat on him with his choreographer, have a long, drawn out break-up complete with dance-offs, and then pine after him for years and years and years and years and years and years, despite having gotten married twice in the meantime? I THOUGHT SO so shut it.)
TTYL! Maybe tomorrow because after like three years of sitting around the Valley sticking my head under the nozzle on my Soft-Serv machine I SEEM TO BE BACK WHOO HOO.
BRITNEY
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