"OhMYGODY'ALL.
HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.
And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.
So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it. And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:
1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4) I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!
TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL
LOVE,
BRITNEY
HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.
And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.
So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it. And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:
1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4) I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!
TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL
LOVE,
BRITNEY
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