Fuga Mendes

That is, if you're a fan of fancy art-deco garrotes. Seriously, she's one false move from her head rolling off her shoulders and bouncing over to the open bar for one last cocktail. It would really put a damper on her young career -- I mean, Passions has a place for floating heads, but only when it's people like  Grease 2  star Adrian Zmed (you know, people who've really lived), who are willing to paint their faces white and wear powdered wigs while their disembodied noggins talk sass at a room full of witches. And only when the person is currently alive. So watch your neck, Eva.

We Fug The Night

Somehow, Eva Mendes seems to fly under my celebrity radar almost all the time. And it's not just me -- I once saw a preview for We Own The Night that misspelled her name as "Mendez," so apparently nobody involved in the creation or approval of that national advertisement is terribly interested in her either. And now she's gone and made herself even less distinct:

To me, this outfit is vintage Eva... Longoria-Parker, who never met a neon-pastel shade she didn't love. Which I understand, to a point. Bright hues are great sometimes, but moderation, not mixed together like some deranged sorbet sundae -- and DEFINITELY not served with crunchy crushed ribs and boob-pancakes as toppings. 

Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Eva Mendes

You know, I was well on my way to liking Eva Mendes' outfit.

Unfug It Up: Eva Mendes

It is a measure of how much I secretly love The Rachel Zoe Project that, in looking at this, all I can hear is Rachel saying in a frantic tone that she needs to find something for Eva to wear to Venice, while Taylor pulls her hair over her face and looks put-upon and Brad looks sympathetic and slightly nervous.

I must admit that, while I don't wholly dislike this -- I don't THINK -- I am neither dying, nor am I going bananas. I think, for me, the big issue is that she seems under-accessorized (though you'd think the pattern on this dress would be accessory enough), and I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate the headband. I just want to snatch it off her head and drive away in that boat. Eva Mendes is not Blair Waldorf and while I love Blair Waldorf as much as the next girl: Thank god. If I learned anything from the last Fashion Week, it's that most grown-ass women in twee headbands look ridiculous and I feel like...this is bearing that out. But what about the rest of it? Do you love? Hate? Feel the crushing ennui of total indifference? Are you concerned that the fabric was inspired by the collected leggings of Van Halen? You get to play Rachel Zoe in this scenario, so play nice and get to work. 

Fug Lieutenant: I Don't Feel Like Looking Up the Bad Lieutenant Subtitle

So, can we assume that Eva Mendes has flown the Rachel Zoe coop? Because no matter what you may say about RZ -- insert a lengthy screed here that includes the words, "literally," "I die," "skinny," "bananas," "sandwich," and "caftan" -- I don't know that she would actually do this to anyone:

Sister, that is a lot of sideboob and while I'm not opposed to the sideboob in theory, like a nuclear warhead it must be deployed with great caution and only in the most serious of circumstances. Sure, that level of boob poking out from a button-down is fine if you're in a shaving cream commercial wearing your husband's shirt and gazing at him while he shaves, thus proving that Mac117 or whatever not only removes hair from one's face but is also A BABE MAGNET. And it's fine if you're playing the role of Teacher in any kind of Hot for Teacher Scenario. And of course it works when you're in the midst of shaking out your hair and taking off your glasses in a ploy to elicit a, "why, Miss [Whatever], you're BEAUTIFUL" in a B-movie from back when people said things like,"why, Miss [Whatever], you're BEAUTIFUL." But I think Eva here would be well-served by maybe buttoning ONE more button. Because instead of being sexy, from the front this thing turns into kind of a mess:

MTV Movie Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Eva Mendes

Yes, it's essentially a one-sleeved sack, but it's such a SHINY one-sleeved sack! I feel like this is the sort of thing you'd WANT to see in SatC2 -- shiny, pretty, fanciful but not BATSHIT NUTBALLS IMPRACTICAL. Although not particularly appropos to wear on a camel, either, which -- listen, I've RIDDEN a camel. They are TALL and they do not have a smooth gait. They're not an ideal conveyence for your $50,000 Halston Dior Whatever Whatever Gown-And-Turban get-up, is what I'm saying. And yes, yes, I know I'm not supposed to be complaining about SatC2 anymore. But I just looked up and there they were on the TV, gallivanting about Morocco (let's be honest) in a series of harem pants, and I wished one of them was at least wearing this. Because I kind of feel like wearing gold harem pants and a variety of turbans to Morocco is like wearing a tricorn hat and wooden teeth to Washington DC: you look like you think you're going to a 1950s C-list movie about the place, rather than AN ACTUAL PLACE WHERE REAL HUMAN BEINGS ARE JUST TRYING TO MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS.

Fug or Fab: Eva Mendes

 

My first thought at seeing Eva Mendes at the premiere of The Other Guys was, "Eva Mendes is in The Other Guys?" Well, contrary to what the ads would have you believe, she is. And, per IMDb, she's playing a doctor. Not knowing anything about the movie beyond the ads -- and the quasi-ad they featured on Big Brother last week, wherein the houseguests competed to get to watch the movie in a competition introduced by Wahlberg and Ferrell and Marky Mark looked like he wanted to KILL HIMSELF for having to go anywhere even vaguely associated with the Big Brother house, like, dude, you wrote a memoir and devoted a whole chapter to your third nipple, so unclench  -- but my assumption is that she's either playing Lord Funky Bunch's lady-love, or the uptight doctor whose bun is slowly and metaphorically unraveled by Will Ferrell's maniac gyrating. One or the other. And then once the movie is over, you will forget she was even in it, just like Hitch.

At least her wardrobe is more memorable. After all, even if you don't like this, you must admit it's probably very comfortable to sit on.

Fug or Fab Redux: Eva Mendes

 

So, Eva Mendes -- who, frankly, yawn -- wore this dress to the premiere of The Other Guys. But apparently, there is a wrinkle: That bustle around her waist? Optional.

Not sure I think the shift on its own is all that flattering, either, but what I really want to know is where she's stashing the bustle -- because that's exactly how she wore her hair to the premiere, so she must've been headed that way... Where IS it? Was it one of the curtains in the limo? Was her boyfriend wearing it, and he gave it to her to tie around her waist as a sign that they're going steady? And does it make you like or dislike the original dress more knowing that thing was detachable? Personally, I will only sign off on it if I find out she flung it over a puddle so that Will Ferrell didn't have to wet his shoes.

Well Played, Eva Mendes

 

Apparently after going alternately sans-froof and then all Bustle & Flow at the premiere of The Other Guys, Eva Mendes decided the after-party was no place for such shenanigans:

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That is so pretty. It fits her flawlessly, and the colors make me think of my favorite time of year: autumn. I love the temperatures, the foliage, the pumpkin and the promise of Christmas and all those PRESENTS, and then football, my GOD, FOOTBALL, holy God I have to organize my fantasy draft, who the HELL am I going to pick this year now that half the league is hot for tandem backfields, and I still don't support white football pants, and do we think the Steelers are going to sling the rock downfield much this year with Byron Leftwich under center or will it be a dump-off passing game to the tight end and the tailbacks, and HOLD THE PHONE, the first pre-season game is on Sunday and it's going to involve Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens against the Cowboys. JEEBUS LOVES US ALL.

Sigh. Thank you, Eva. I needed that. 

The Other Fugs

Our photo service noted that this photo of Eva Mendes featured "a romper dress," which seems like a contradiction. It's either a romper, or a dress. That's like saying someone is having a burrito salad:
Whatever it is...I am concerned that it's not the best idea Eva's had recently. Let's just leave it at that, shall we?

Toronto Fug Festival

Little does Eva Mendes know, there is a woman standing behind her who is thinking, "How odd, last week for her silver anniversary I gave Margo a bottle of merlot in a bag that looked JUST like this."