Fug Love With Tori and Dean

Surely, at the very least, your nightgown here is very COMFORTABLE, even if you do look a bit like a woman who's escaped from a burning building in the dead of night and is wearing the blazer of the maitre 'd of the restaurant downstairs, who loaned it to you because he was feeling guilty about how he's pretty sure the blaze started in his establishment, seeing as the management has neglected to get faulty wiring fixed. Much as happened in the seminal episode of 90210 in which Kelly ended up almost dying in a faulty-wiring-prompted party/rave because the jerky frat boy with whom Steve went into the Lame Rave Throwing business showed flagrant disregard for both fire safety and the way electricity works. And look on the bright side: if you can believe it, you actually look better in this than you did then. Well. Maybe not. But at least you're not dating Ray Pruit anymore. That douche was bad news. Just look at him:

Tori and Fug: Fug Love

TORI SPELLING: We meet again.




AUDRINA PATRIDGE: We've actually never met, Tori.



TORI: I know you from somewhere.



AUDRINA: I'm on The Hills? That reality show on MTV? Lots of pretty girls crying about boys and texting a lot?



TORI: I don't watch reality programming.



AUDRINA: You're ON a reality show.



TORI: I'm only on that because I was on a scripted show first. It doesn't count.



AUDRINA: Why are you even posing with me, then?



TORI: I thought it might make me look young. Hip. With it.



AUDRINA: Um, maybe you should try not wearing a doily and a severe bun, if that's what you're going for.



TORI: How dare you? If I stare at your boobs REALLY hard, I think I can see your nipples shields.



AUDRINA: At least people want to see my nipple shields, GRANDMA. You look like you just took a vow of celibacy.



TORI: I will cut you.



AUDRINA: I'd like to see you try.



TORI: Why don't you come on my reality show and we can mud wrestle? The ratings will be huge!



AUDRINA: Okay!



TORI: Nice doing business with you.

So NoFUGious

It's well-documented that we hold a fond place in our hearts for Tori Spelling, on account of the important social contributions she made as Donna Martin, to a lesser degree as Screech's snorting girlfriend Violet on Saved By The Bell, and of course to a MASSIVE degree through her catalog of Lifetime Television For Women movies. We now know that the answer to the question, "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" is a resounding, "Not unless you want to get stalked and nearly meet a violent end on a pier somewhere in the country." Ergo, we wish Tori only good things in life.




I am not sure this dress is one of them.

Outwardly, aside from how destroyed it got in the car on the way over, it's not that bad. The color is great. But the bodice is making upended ostrich eggs of her boobs. Everything is tight and squished and uncomfortable-looking, like she was so excited to squeeze herself into a size zero that she was HELL-BENT on getting those puppies into the top, whether they whimpered at her the whole time or not. I also enjoy that every time I get a passing look at that clutch purse, I mistakenly think it is a really old-school calculator, like she brought it with her in case she's seized with the urge to write "BOOBIES" on it in numbers and then hand it to reporters with a giggle.

Although... is it just me, or has Tori dropped a little too much weight? I know she was always really lean, but something about her looks a tiny bit too shrunken. Almost bobbleheaded. Which, incidentally, I think you could ALMOST also write on a calculator if the window were long enough... and if you left out the a... and the ds, too. But that's not a very good reason to give up carbs (or forsake spelling). Somebody please get Donna a Megaburger, stat. Where is Joe E. Tata when you need him?

Fugerly Fug 9021Fug

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I am a big fan of the Spelling genre. It's all Brenda Walsh this and Dylan McKay that and blah blah Amanda Woodward blah. Poor Tori Spelling hasn't benefited much from this love, though, even if I did really like So NoTorious. (It was funny! Although it did mean that it took me a while to adjust to Zachary Quinto, who played her amusing gay roommate, being a crazy brain-eater [he's eating the brains, right? I think he's eating the brains. He must be eating the brains. Or something.] on Heroes.) And I admit that I will totally TiVo this reality show she's doing about opening a B&B, because I'm the person who watches reality shows featuring people who used to be on 90210. But she's had a long run of bad press, with the estrangement from her mother after her father's death and all the alleged plastic surgery and the divorce from Husband One after less than a year of marriage and the taking up with Husband Two who then got a tattoo of her face even before his own divorce was final. And unfortunately, this is not the moment where it all turns around for her. Because, DUDE, PUT IT AWAY:

That skirt is TOO SHORT. I think it's awesome that pregnant women don't have to wear giant jumpers with huge bows at the neck anymore, and I am all for working your legs but OH MY GOD I'M SCARED OF HOW SHORT THAT SKIRT IS. People -- pregnant women, non-pregnant women, men, children, anyone -- should not be walking around in public looking like they are about to inadvertently reveal things best left unrevealed. It makes the rest of us uncomfortable.

And this picture makes me very uncomfortable indeed. Both because of the expanse of thigh, and because of all the pointing. I feel like Dean McDermott is the new K-Fed. But sort of more menacing. For all of K-Fed's many faults, he mostly just seemed very very very very lazy and entitled. But McDermott looks unafraid to wield a tire iron, you know? He will come after you, his Tori Spelling tattoo in tow, and he will f you up.
So I will just stop talking about her too-short-skirts now.