The Hilfugs

When I invited a bunch of photographers to chronicle the time I picked out gobs of diamonds for my wedding to Spencer Pratt, I ALSO wore a wrinkled, high-waisted skirt and the sheer seafoam green top/black bra combo I stole from Linda Evans/Madonna circa 1992 respectively. I had no idea Heidi and I had so much in common! I guess this means I better go pick out some hot pants and get ready to roll around the floor of the Bloomingdale's shoe department for the entry level paps that TMZ is trying to discourage from pursuing a life of celebrity-stalkage. TTYL! 

Heidi and Spencer Fugtt

Heidi Fugtag

All that oppressive dark fabric, with the heavy sleeves that eat her arms and appear to weigh down her shoulders, give her the rather satisfying appearance of slowly melting, like our own personal Wicked Witch of the West Coast. In fact, if someone wouldn't mind tossing a bucket of water onto her to see if it finishes the job, that'd be great. Consider it: Either nothing happens but she gets sopping wet and starts shrieking like a banshee while flapping the sodden, weighted-down arm prisons that her sleeves would become, or she actually DOES disappear. Tell me THAT'S not a win-win proposition.

Con: I am writing about Heidi Montag.

Pro: I am FINALLY writing about Heidi Montag for something that doesn't involve her sticking her tongue down her odious husband's throat and/or canoodling with him for the paparazzi on a bed in an otherwise sanitary furniture store/in a restaurant/at the 99 Cent store.

Fugcer Pratt

SPENCER: Howdy, pretty lady. Can I fall into your burning ring of fire?

HEIDI: Tee-hee! You've never asked permission BEFORE.

SPENCER: I never looked like the head chef at Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire Bar & Grill before.

HEIDI: Just for that, and for how sexy-meaty your knees look with jeans bunched up around them, I'll go up TWO boob sizes.

SPENCER: And if I throw on my spurs?

HEIDI: THREE sizes.

SPENCER: Yee-haw.

Lemonfug.com: The Fug Girls' Guide To Being A Famewhore

But although Spencer and Heidi are the most virulent famewhores among us, they're not the only ones who offer us all very instructive examples so that everyone can strive to become as famous as possible for doing as little as possible:

"[Y]ou don't need GOOD taste in men: If there's an available dude of any repute at all, even if he's in the middle of a mid-life crisis in which he wears only Ed Hardy shirts and flip-flops while neglecting his houseful of children, POUNCE."
You can probably guess about whom we're talking here. Click here to drop by Lemondrop.com and read the rest of the piece. Unless you are Kim Kardashian, in which case, you might not love what we have to say.

 

I'll give you one guess as to which odious couple inspired us to write this handy-dandy primer.

How To Be Fugmous

HEIDI: Come on, Spencer, pose for the photo with me. It'll be a wonderful thing to show our children.

SPENCER: Say WHAT, jive turkey?

HEIDI: Oh, please. You know this is coming. I've been fake-nagging you about it on The Hills all season, but you didn't think it wasn't going to HAPPEN, did you?

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Stay strong, Spencer. DO NOT PROCREATE.

SPENCER: Listen, little lady, nobody can pin me down. I'm Grease Lightning.

HEIDI: Don't you think it would be just ADORABLE to have a little girl I can dress in a tiny version of this outfit? She'll be so glamorous! Like Suri Cruise crossed with a prostitute!

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: This can't be allowed to happen, for the good of humankind.

SPENCER: Shut it down, woman. T-Birds like me need to fly free.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Should I take out one of them? Is this my "What If" moment?

HEIDI: Spencer. Do you KNOW how much more rich and famous we'll be if I get pregnant? That's like seven months' worth of photo opportunities, plus baby-shower pictures we can sell, PLUS the birth photos and the first family photos, a guest-hosting spot on The View...

SPENCER: We'll be so rich we can pay someone else to raise it!

HEIDI: Exactly!

SPENCER: So let's do this thing. You're not as dumb as you look, baby girl.

HEIDI: I'm not as dumb as YOU look, either. Seriously, lose the greaser bouffant. And don't ever call me a "jive turkey" again or else I'll refuse to let us hire a nanny.

SPENCER: OH GOD NO. Consider it lost.

HEIDI: I thought so.

DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Please, God, let him be shooting blanks.

Fugdi Fugtag

One of my favorite stories in a long time was when Heidi Montag decided to fire her hubby Spencer Pratt as her manager, in favor of using a "healer intuitive." But presumably, that dude intuited, healingly, that this was a hilariously terrible idea, because a week later Heidi fired him and announced that she's going to consider her business decisions more carefully in the future. In my mind, that reads as, "Spencer laughed at me for five days straight, and when SPENCER is the voice of reason in any given scenario, something is wrong. Also, I'm a lunatic."

Maybe they had a fight because her ex-psychic could not heal the rift from his intuition that this outfit was a bad idea:

Oh, sure, on the surface it might seem like she's squeezing two volleyballs through a sock while wearing tiny khaki pants that seem designed with Fleet Week shenanigans in mind.

However, upon closer, semi-NSFW inspection...

Tower 69: Fug Patrol Featuring 3-D Boobs

 

That being said, I feel like ol' Spencer here might have better luck getting financing for his magnum opus if he didn't look like he was moonlighting as the Unabomber and wearing his firing range glasses all the time. Film-making is hard enough without your EP actually showing up dressed for a killing spree

Because when you want to read the script of your new film, Tower 69: Beach Patrol Featuring 3-D Boobs (I did not make that up), where better to do it in peace than by the Malibu pier in front of a variety of photogs?

Fug the Life Choices: Heidi Montag

"Don't know how the paparazzi found me, hanging out alone in Costa Rica, all by myself, all sad and thoughtful and reflective on this random foreign deserted beach, ALL ALONE, just being all PENSIVE and boobtacular, I SINCERELY DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NO I DID NOT...."