Like You'll Never Fug Me Again

Dear Alicia Keys:

You have GOT TO STOP with the constant stream of unflattering skintight pants. They look terrible on you. Seriously. You don't HAVE to compete with Rihanna, you know, trying to be all space-age trendy and stuff. Just because she's hot doesn't mean you AREN'T; she just knows better than this. We see you're talented, we see you're fit, we see you're trim. You don't need to prove it with pants that look like you need an entire team of backstage interns just to get them up, or down, over your hips (although that makes going to the bathroom a more convivial experience, consider how much simpler it would be if you didn't have to fit twelve people in the stall with you). Maybe you think pants this snug force your voice into its upper register; maybe they make you more aerodynamic for when you jump onstage. I don't know. But they're not worth it. So unless you WANT to be for Monistat what Jessica Simpson is for Proactiv, get yourself to crotch rehab, stat.



Love,

Heather
This is an intervention.

World Music Awards: Well Played, Alicia Keys

It's unusual for me to wake up on a Monday feeling chipper. Yet here I am, not only in a good mood, but also feeling relieved and proud and even a tough smug.
Why, you ask? Because my intervention WORKED.

Look how hot Alicia Keys is! Yes, she could use a meatball or three, but some of that might just be the angle of the photograph. But please, celebrate with me: She's wearing a dress that FITS. In an awesome color. With simple but striking makeup. And I want her purse.

But wait. It gets better. Because unlike other awards shows, where she started out strong and then climbed through the looking glass, here Alicia showed actual restraint:

Refugged: Alicia Keys

Well, now I just feel betrayed. In the immortal words of Tyra Banks, "Wah-WAAAAAAAH." So captivated was I by Alicia Keys' lack of uncomfortably skintight pants and/or crotch-chafing jumpsuit, I never really LOOKED at her legs. If I had, I would have noticed -- thanks to some truly unfortunate backlighting -- that while she has a very nice pair of gams, apparently there is a reason she defaults to pants.

Oscar Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

Mostly, the people who swapped outfits after the Oscars were ladies who had really dramatic trains that risked getting ruined -- people like Marisa Tomei or Penelope Cruz, who clearly did not want to look down and see a plate of shrimp, half a glass of red wine, and Madonna's shoe-print all over their beautifully elaborate hems. However, Alicia Keys joined the ranks of those who changed just because.

Here's what she had on for the red-carpet portion of events:

I love that pinkish-purple, and her lipstick complements it nicely (I cannot thank her ENOUGH for not doing a nude or pale-pink lip, because I am generally tired of those), although that shiny eyeshadow does contour her a TAD too much -- sometimes I had to blink to make absolutely sure it really was Alicia Keys, and not some lookalike who only got in because she hummed two bars of "Fallen" to the security guard. And I admit to being semi-distracted by the bodice; when she was on-screen, I'd immediately wonder why her right boob was higher and two cup sizes smaller than the left, and then have to remind myself it's just a trick of the dress.




But in the end, there's something undeniably floaty and romantic about it. Her actual loveliness often gets lost by some weird ensemble or other -- skintight jeans, jumpsuits with lumpy crotches. Not so here. For which I am ALSO profoundly grateful, because if she'd shown up wearing a spandex jumpsuit with a biscuit-sized bulge in exactly the wrong place, I'd have gotten an attack of the vapors.



This dress didn't make it to the after-party, though. Here's what did:

BET Awards Fug or Fab: Alicia Keys

Okay, first and foremost -- because I believe in the power of positive reinforcement -- I just have to say that I love when Alicia wears her hair the way she did last night at the BET Awards. I think she's very pretty to begin with, obviously, but there's something about this look that is really flattering. And I liked what she wore on the red carpet:

She looks leggy and summery and I love the color. But speaking of leggy, shall we take a looksee at what she wore inside?

VMAs Fug or Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

I SHOULD think this dress is cute. But somehow it's not working for me on Alicia. Kind of like how I SHOULD like peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, because peanut butter and bacon are magically delicious, but for whatever reason the two just don't go together for me. Am I just out of sorts? Do I need more sleep? Some champagne? A back rub from Intern George? Or is my vague and hard-to-articulate sense of "meh" well-placed? I need your guidance, Fug Nation.

American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

I know I've seen this dress on someone else before and I have no idea who it was, or where. It might have been Beyonce, and I think she might have looked cute in it. That seems possible, right? (I'm sure I'm wrong and it's probably actually the opposite of Beyonce. So, like, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.)

Regardless, I think Alicia looks pretty cute, too. It is always such a damn relief when she isn't wearing a jumpsuit, or pants so tight I worry she's modeling the "Before" look in a Monistat ad. This color is great on her, and she's working the cut. (Also, I think I love her clutch.)




HOWEVER.

My feelings about those shoes are mixed, at best. No. I can't lie. I am not into them. They look like the world's most expensive dyed-to-match bridesmaid shoes. Anything that coordinated makes my face hurt

Fug or Fab: Alicia Keys

It cracks me up when people pose like this:

[Photo by: Splash.com]

I do it too, kidding arund in the house. It's totally the ANTM Broken Down Doll pose (a bit less broken down than it ought to be), and it's best accessorized with a very hungry expression. You also see this often on Renee Zellweger, but in her case it's the Check Out How Small My Waist Is; I'm Afraid I'm A Bit of a Weirdo pose. I doubt very very strongly that Alicia is that kind of a Weirdo, and ergo, she must be kidding around. However, I am not sure that the red (or, in this case, gray) carpet is the best place for said kidding, if in fact that is what she is doing, because in photos she basically just looks as though she's been attacked by Jazz Hands she can not control. Also: I don't think the dress is doing her many favors. The print is cute; the shiny is not. Please weigh in, Fug Nation:

Fug or Fab: Alicia Keys

Why am I even opening this up to discussion?

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Girlfriend's wearing papier mache the likes of which I haven't seen since that time I had to make that model of a hot air balloon for my elementary school open house in 3rd grade. On the other hand, I bet it's comfortable to sit down on. And it's kind of fashion-y and interesting...right? What do I know? This week has been FOREVER.

BET Awards Fug Performance: Alicia Keys

See that cute girl with the red lipstick standing behind Alicia? I think her expression says it all:

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It says, "that dress is cute, but I hope to God you don't get too close to the edge of the stage, because we're all going to be able to see straight up it. Everyone's happy you're having a baby, but none of us are so happy that we actually want to act as your OB-GYN."