Well Played, Rosario Dawson

WILL: You. Are. FINE.

ROSARIO: Thanks, Will.



WILL: I don't let just anyone stand next to me, you know. I am a dapper cat. I need someone who can hold their own against the heat of my charm and suavitude. I mean, paisley? Could anyone else wear paisley? No. But I am WORKING this paisley. I have given this paisley a sensual massage and now we've moved on to champagne and strawberries and edible panties.



ROSARIO: Sure! It's true that you're very smooth, Will. I'm happy to be here with you.



WILL: But damn, Rosario, I'm serious here -- you glow. If I weren't already in a happy heterosexual marriage and equal partnership that is indestructible against the force of any human foibles, I would be all OVER you. I mean, in that dress, you look like a bridesmaid, a bit. But in a HOT way. It WORKS. You're the sexy-ass bridesmaid at the wedding that all the groomsmen decide they're going to try and hook up with after the reception, but none of them do because I get there first and woo you with sensitive conversation, sharp wit, and my mad love skills.



ROSARIO: Thanks! You are good for my ego.



WILL: I KNOW how to stroke an ego, baby. I am the master of romance. I will pour scented oil on that ego and light candles and then....



ROSARIO: Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're the man, you'll massage it and then there's champagne and panties. Noted. Now can we go inside and get this show on the road?



WILL: Not until we get one more picture of this hot love triangle between you, me, and my paisley. The world needs to SEE how it's DONE. YOUR MOVE, BECKHAM. I dare you to pull this off, boy.



ROSARIO: This is going to be a long night.

BET Awards Fug Carpet: Jada Pinkett-Smith

I deeply, deeply, deeply sincerely wish I could have been present for Jada PS's decision-making process vis a vis what she wore to last night's BET Awards:

I can just picture her coming out of her walk-in closet and announcing to Will that, AT LAST, she's found the perfect way to marry the concept of the old-timey bathing suit to a more professional look! For years, she's been wondering what to wear if she gets cast in a role as a Deputy DA who's a world-champion synchronized swimmer on the side -- and now she knows! And, in fact, she wants them to write and produce that movie: they'll call it, The Jury Pool, and Lifetime will go so nuts for it that they'll have to write a sequel, but in the sequel the DA will have moved onto ballet, and they can call it, The Plié Bargain! And Will will just hum a few bars of "It's Not Unusual" to himself and smile and nod.

BET Awards Fug Carpet: Jada Pinkett-Smith

I deeply, deeply, deeply sincerely wish I could have been present for Jada PS's decision-making process vis a vis what she wore to last night's BET Awards:

I can just picture her coming out of her walk-in closet and announcing to Will that, AT LAST, she's found the perfect way to marry the concept of the old-timey bathing suit to a more professional look! For years, she's been wondering what to wear if she gets cast in a role as a Deputy DA who's a world-champion synchronized swimmer on the side -- and now she knows! And, in fact, she wants them to write and produce that movie: they'll call it, The Jury Pool, and Lifetime will go so nuts for it that they'll have to write a sequel, but in the sequel the DA will have moved onto ballet, and they can call it, The Plié Bargain! And Will will just hum a few bars of "It's Not Unusual" to himself and smile and nod.

Smithly Played, Smiths

WILL SMITH: Drink it in, London. Take a good, long look at Jaden, Jada, Willow, and me, because we are about ten seconds away from ruling this universe and that means we will be the Prime Ministers of your asses. And when that happens, you will also name your kids Will, Jada, Jaden, and Willow. Also eligible: Willa, and Wada, and Jall, and Willen. We will accept Jawill and Jallow in a pinch, but Jill is obviously totally absurd and out of the question, so don't even talk to me about that nonsense. Are we clear? Good.

Smithly Played, Smith Family: More Smithyness

WILL: "... Why have we decided to adopt now? Well, there are so many lost souls, see, and we're The Smith Family, and you are all going to let us do whatever the hell we want, or else we're going to stop letting you look at us. We also want to give somebody an opportunity to really BE somebody, and to own a piece of whatever small country we're about to buy so that we can have a seat at the United Nations and FINALLY have a say in foreign affairs, because come on, I punched a fake ALIEN one time, okay, and I killed a bunch of them in some other movies, and I defeated robots, and, like, I've had super powers... you NEED somebody like me, Liechtenstein, and I need you as a practice country until we're ready to own Spain, or Japan, or maybe Canada. You are my Fresh Prince -- I have to have you first, so that I'm ready for Independence Day, see? And so we are proud to announce our newest family member, my adopted son, this kid we've gotten close to named Jackie Chan -- or as he'll be known from now on, Jawillkie Chanda Smith. And in keeping with our family, he will have his own look, so next week Jada will fit him with a top hat and a custom clown suit. I think we're all going to be very happy. He just might make something of himself someday. Thank you, and remember, Liechtenstein, we're COMING."