ACM Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Taylor Swift

 

Nothing against her, but Taylor Swift has the ability to make me think I've seen something before, even if I know I haven't.

It's worse when she's wearing sequins, but still: I know she hasn't worn this pretty lavender hue before, much less the creeping-vines dress, and yet she always seems so familiar. Maybe it's the way she does the updo, maybe it's her stance, maybe it's the fact that I can't tell some of her songs apart (even though many of them are on my iPod). I don't know. Somehow it feels like the fact that she's wearing the garment is incidental to it. I mean, it's THERE, and she is there, but they don't seem connected. Ever. So it's hard to judge the dress's merits. I... THINK it's pretty? But I might want to see it on someone who struts the red carpet with a bit more verve? Like I said, I can't put my finger on it. I should probably go work on my letter begging David Cook to give "You Belong With Me" one of his American Idol-era signature stalker makeovers, and let you guys guide me on this one.

Univision Awards AWESOME Carpet: Niurka Marcos

 

This is Niurka Marcos:



She is my new favorite celebrity I've never heard of. Allow me to enumerate all the ways in which she is secretly awesome:

1. She looks the way I imagine Daryl Hannah's character in Splash would look if she were a character in a telenovela, which she should be, because TV needs more mermaids.
2. She's wearing a bolero vest as a top.
3. At 42!
4. She was married three times in six years, a devotion to romantical drama that I appreciate.
5. She appeared on Big Brother Mexico. I secretly (not really that secretly) love Big Brother in all incarnations.
6. She has her own TV show called Espectacularmente Niurka, which can't possibly be as espectacularmente as the other show she hosts, El Show De Niurka, in which she apparently interviews people from a jacuzzi. Niurja, you had me at jacuzzi.

ESPY Awards Fug-or-Fine Carpet: Bianca Kajlich

 

I need your eagle eyes, Fug Nation:



Is there something wack about this gold dress? I don't know if it's an optical illusion, encroaching derangement, or an actual problem, but to me the bodice of that thing looks a) really BIG; b) so big that it reminds me of Ye Olde Playtex 18-Hour Bra; c) unflattering; and d) as though the right half is not even really attached to her chest.

Other pics haven't brought me clarity:

Teen Choice Awards: Well Played, Lea Michele

 

This shouldn't come as a surprise -- we generally love what Lea Michele wears, and this is no exception:

It's like a sexy take on Jane sneaking nude through the jungle fronds so she can surprise Tarzan with some birthday nookie. Am I concerned Lea Michele is getting so thin she may accidentally slip through one of the cracks in Glee's plotting? Mildly. But if it's any consolation, I suspect those cracks will get big enough that eventually the whole cast will fall in with her.

Teen Choice Awards Half-Fab, Half-Feh Carpet: The Pretty Little Liars cast

 

Well, this is kind of awkward:

Three Pretty Little Liars stars are all arm-in-arm cozy on the blue carpet, and poor old Troian Bellisario is stuck off to the side, looking like she just got a text message from her show's mysterious "A" that warns her not to touch anybody or else Secrets Will Be Revealed. Much like her midsection: While I like the idea and the rest of her look, I can't decide if that center strip is cute, or a the work of an out-of-time Project Runway designer who tried to lengthen what would've been a gown at the Party City's in-house gynecologist by adding string and fabric swatches. Perhaps she and Ashley Benson, the blonde, were sabotaged by whoever plays the shadowy, vindictive A, as Ashley's dress -- while also cute-adjacent -- has me wondering if a very small animal stepped in paint and then danced around her right boob. At least Lucy Hale and Shay Mitchell over there on the right seem to have escaped trouble, unless the night ended with their enviable hair getting stuck in a blender and turned into a daiquiri.

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Nina Dobrev

 

This whippet of a girl is Nina Dobrev, a.k.a. Elena on Vampire Diaries, a.k.a. "Elena Dobrev" for the entire first draft of this post, because I cannot seem to remember her actual first name before I have caffeine.

[Photos: Splash News]

Nina is clearly naturally thin, but the snug bra top steers her into Frail Town, which is not a great neighborhood and frankly doesn't have ANY decent restaurants. It's also all a tiny bit too-everything: Too short, too snug, too bra-like, too random, too Vampires on Ice. Because, yes, that's illusion netting up there. Want to see?

Teen Choice Awards Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Leighton Meester

 

No one is more pleased than we are to see Leighton Meester apparently exiting that hideous pop-star phase. The world did not need another Katy Perry, for one thing, and also Leighton is the most talented person on Gossip Girl and all that spandex and Pro Tools was making her ridiculous. So heave with me a sigh of relief. 

Did you heave it? Was it nice? Good.  Now buckle in, because we have a decision to make:

[Photo: Splash News]

Pro: It's not hideous!

Con: It looks like it's sticking its shiny white tongue out at me. 

Pro: It's retro and funky.

Con: It's SO retro that she may have borrowed it from Betty White, who thought it was a blouse.

Pro: Betty White is all the rage now, haven't you heard?

Con: Girl, please, I didn't need a patronizing display of affection from Hollywood for Sassy Elderly Ladies Who Look Like Angels But Can Dish The Filth to tell me that Betty White was awesome. I've known since the '80s.

Pro: But aren't you glad she's getting work still?

Con: Yes.

Pro: That's not a con.

Con: These posts NEVER end in actual cons, haven't you been paying attention?

Pro: How about the shoes? So... kicky?

Con: HA! You're out of pros. 

Pro: I can take us in for a close-up, though:

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Kimberly Wyatt

 

I think Kimberly Wyatt here, bless her, may have been one of about three people at the Teen Choice Awards NOT wearing some kind of sparkly short something:

Instead, she is dressed as Afugdite, the Greek goddess of turning expensive throw-pillows into jumpsuits.

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Anna Torv

 

For a second, I thought Anna Torv here was Kate Hudson:

Then I remembered it seemed unlikely that Kate Hudson would wear a filmy blouse with uniform shorts from an all-boys private elementary school.

Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Heather Morris

 

I really like Heather Morris on Glee -- although I am concerned that she is going to fall prey to the common Popular Tertiary Character disorder in which the PTC is so P that her part is boosted past being T, and then we discover that her C is best in small doses -- but her outfit is confusing me:



I mean, doesn't this look like the sort of thing you've seen on mannequins at the mall store that you can't believe is still in business, because no one shops there and everything looks dated and flammable? There's nothing wrong with being dated or flammable -- I am, after all, both -- but, you know, maybe not for an awards show. On the other hand, I stared at her for twenty minutes trying to figure out if her top was BeDazzled, or had holes punched in it (the latter, as it turns out), and maybe that's all she wanted, anyway. In which case: well played! And be careful you don't get your skirt grommet stuck on your car door. We need you ambulatory for the next season of Glee, if nothing else. Hey, she might dress crazy but we KNOW she can dance.

Teen Choice Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Francia Raisa

 

So, I'm sure you guys all know about how Heather and I are basically incapable of resisting most Teen Dramas. Seriously: I love them. I watch them all. If The CW goes out of business, I will quite sincerely be bereft. But there is one that I just can't watch: Secret Life of the American Teenager. And it is because I seriously can not take the amount of time they spend talking about sex. Like, I get it. I was an American Teenager, too. Teenagers are interested in sex. (Everyone is interested in sex.) But NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS ON THAT SHOW EXCEPT PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT SEX. Like, this is a teen drama. You have OPTIONS: why aren't people, like, developing eating disorders or stealing math tests or accidentally murdering people whilst drunk-driving or fixing basketball games or falling into comas?



Francia Raisa here is on said show, but because I can't deal with the amount of time they say the word "sex" in the dialogue -- seriously, I counted once and that word was uttered 46 TIMES IN ONE EPISODE -- I can't really tell you what she does on it, although I do know she is "the slutty one," because she puts out. And judging from the ads I've seen during the other shows on ABC Family that I watch (and sincerely LOVE -- Greek, when are you coming back to me? I miss Cappie), her character may have gotten knocked up. Because clearly one must be punished for having SEX. I mean, this is a show where a girl HAD SEX and as she was HAVING SEX her FATHER DIED IN A PLANE CRASH AND WHEN SHE BLAMED HERSELF (saying that GOD KILLED HER DAD because she had SEX), everyone was kind of like, "maybe? Try not to think about it" instead of saying, "DUDE, God is NOT going to kill someone because YOU had premarital sex. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS." So, yeah. That show is whack.

Teen Choice Awards Well Played: Jayma Mays

 

I don't know who Jayma Mays's stylist is:



But give that kid a raise.

Teen Choice Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Megan Fox

Or, as I call her now, Mrs David "You Are So Precious To Me" Silver -- wait, except, does that make Megan Fox the new Tori Spelling? Something about that doesn't quite track.



For one thing, it would be weird for Tori to have a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe in the approximate place where Dean McDermott has a tattoo of Tori. Like, I think that if Tori gets a person's face tattooed on her arm, she is contractually obligated to get Dean's. Or, I guess, David Silver's. Wow, thinking about this too hard is sending me down some kind of post-modern tattoo rabbit hole, so let's get to chit-chatting about her dress. Or dress/skirt. Whatever it is. I have to admit, I rather like it: it's nice to see someone wearing something that's NOT just a standard issue cocktail dress, even if I happen to LIKE standard issue cocktail dresses. Kind of like how if you have a cheeseburger five nights in a row, you might really want a salad on the sixth night, without taking anything away from your love of the cheeseburger.